Pursue vs. Woo



Last week, I had a fascinating and hilarious text message exchange with a friend who had seen what I can best describe as unfortunate relationship advice on instagram. She felt obliged to provokingly share it with me.

A seemingly frustrated woman asked a question and the ‘well meaning’ advice giving ‘expert’ gave a response which included phrases like ‘a woman giving herself way too much value’ and ‘a woman not being aware of the current dating climate’

..Deep sigh.

Advice giving ‘expert’ thinks what he is saying is useful, though evidently sleep talking [unconscious] through it all. I don’t know about you but I find that ignorantly giving advice is common, but it’s not necessary.

What makes all of this really messed up, is that so many people sleep walk into seeking advice from someone who is sleep talking. So we have a world with people who are trying to create relationships while sleep walking and sleep talking. Now when was the last time you created something relationally woke and thriving in a state of slumber?

My friend (who really knows better most of the time) found herself as if in a trance, trying to understand the bizarre ‘advice’ given to this unfortunate soul who had asked the question.

So she asked me:

Question: Surely there’s a way that individuals want to be pursued and shouldn’t that be ok?

In part testament to my environment growing up, (I was always observing complex adult relationships, albeit not by choice) and part curiosity that comes with age and a sense of non conformity, I’ve noticed that I have developed a heightened awareness to listen for insight and intention, whilst others may listen to agree or disagree.

This has taught me that whilst we’ve been looking at the horizon for our answers, it’s actually right here with us. In our hands, in our heart, and in our minds.

So this was my response to the friend who stumbled upon the unfortunate advice. Of-course this is rewritten for you with some additions. If you read for insight, it will get you thinking about reconstructing and redefining your approach to dating in the early days.

Answer: There is a way that we use language that keeps us tripping, over and over again. As we continue to fall, we begin to think it’s normal because it happens so frequently. We are used to it.

The word pursued in this question is where I see the repetitive trip. Do you really want to be won, seized and conquered?

Think pursue and you think …chase after something.

Do you really want someone chasing after you?

We say it so often, it seems innocent enough yet chasing evokes an energy of winning, gaining and seizing.

It incites perseverance and being persistence and that’s exhausting. There is a time for perseverance and there is a time for persistence but for everyone’s sake, in love and dating you either want to be with someone or not. It’s not complicated.

Playing hard to get is not a necessity and it’s only important to someone who enjoys ‘the chase’. In my experience where perseverance and persistence become a key part of the relationship, it’s exhausting.

It’s not a healthy place to create relationships from. I hear people talk about how he ‘finally wore me down’ after chasing me for 3 years so we got married. I genuinely don’t know why that’s a good thing.

If it’s a chase someone wants, they will always get it, but the fun and excitement dies when the catch happens. This is why people refer to the thrill of the chase. When the chase is over someone has won, seized and conquered. Then?

On the other side of the door the chaser get’s to a point where this pursuit becomes tiring and they give up leaving the pursued asking ‘why are they falling back and not working hard enough to win me?’

This is usually followed by the mysterious relationship death.

The pursuit / chasing mode language is almost always followed by these words. Fall back, working hard enough and win me.

Fall back? The fun of the chase is over.

Win? It’s not a game

Working hard enough? How often to do you hear people say relationships are hard work?

Is it possible that, no matter how much they put into a relationship it’s never enough and when it’s going well it’s suddenly too easy? Sound familiar?

So we trip over …..again, and there is the loop.

Now what if you could be invited to cultivate love instead?

Let’s rephrase this.. ‘Surely there’s a way that individuals want to be wooed and shouldn’t that be ok?

Woo: It’s old fashioned yes, but it’s a goody. Energetically woo points to seeking favour, affection, it opens up room for the romance of an invitation and cultivating something.

So your mission should you choose to accept it, is to make a decision.

Do I want a relationship that’s built on the exertion energy of pursuit or a relationship built on the cultivating energy of wooing?

Setting yourself up to attract the right love starts with how you show up. #RightLoveSetUp

Always love and blessings,


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