PURSUE VS. WOO
I had a fascinating and hilarious text message exchange with a friend recently. She had seen what I can best describe as unfortunate relationship advice on instagram and she felt obliged to provokingly share it with me.
A very frustrated woman asked a question and the ‘well meaning’ advice giving ‘expert’ gave a response which included phrases like ‘a woman giving herself way too much value’ and ‘a woman not being aware of the current dating climate’
Hmm deep sigh.
Advice giving ‘expert’ thinks what he is saying is useful, though evidently sleep talking [unconscious] through it all.
Ignorantly giving advice is common, but it’s not necessary.
What makes all of this really messed up, is that so many people sleep walk into seeking advice from someone who is sleep talking. So we have a world with people are trying to create relationships while sleep walking and sleep talking. Now when was the last time you created something relationally woke and thriving in a state of slumber?
My friend (who really knows better most of the time) found herself as if in a trance, trying to understand the bizarre ‘advice’ given to this unfortunate soul who had asked the question. So she asked me:
Question: Surely there’s a way that individuals want to be pursued and shouldn’t that be ok?
I think she asked this one for you, because the moment she asked that I thought of you.
Listening and reading for insight
As you spend more time with me you’ll get to know that, whilst most people will listen to agree or disagree, I do my best to listen for insight and intention.
It’s my intention to do everything I can to show you how to do this too.
You’ll discover that whilst you’ve been looking at the horizon for your answer, it’s actually right there with you. In your hands, in your heart, and in your mind.
So here’s my response to my friend. Rewritten for you with some additions. I know you will find this useful. It will get you thinking about reconstructing and redefining your approach to dating in the early days.
Answer: There is a way that we use language (words) that keeps us tripping, over and over again. As we continue to fall, we begin to think it’s normal because it happens so frequently. We are used to it.
Do you really want to be won, seized and conquered?
The word pursued in this question is where I’m seeing the repetitive trip.
Think pursue and you think ….chase after something.
Do you really want someone chasing after you?
We say it so often, it seems innocent enough yet chasing evokes an energy of winning, gaining…..seizing.
It stirs up perseverance and being persistence. All good traits in life except at the beginning of any relationship perseverance and persistance feels and sounds exhausting, it wears you out just thinking about it. If you were in tune with your intuition you’d be saying, ‘I’m out.’
This is not a healthy state to create relationships from. I hear many people talk about how he ‘finally wore me down’ after chasing me for 3 years so we got married. I genuinely don’t know why that’s a good thing.
If it’s a chase someone wants, they will always get it, but the fun and excitement dies when the catch happens. This is why people refer to the thrill of the chase. When the chase is over someone has won, seized and conquered. Then?
On the other side of the coin the chaser might find this pursuit tiring and give up leaving the pursued asking ‘why are they falling back and not working hard enough to win me’
This is usually followed by the mysterious relationship death.
Do you see the pursuit / chasing mode language? Fall back, working hard enough and win me.
Fall back? The fun of the chase is over.
Win? It’s not a game
Working hard enough? How often to do you hear people say relationships are hard work?
Is it possible that, no matter how much they put into a relationship it’s never enough and when it’s going well it’s suddenly too easy? Sound familiar?
So we trip over …..again, and there is the loop.
What if you could be invited to cultivate love?
Let’s rephrase the question ‘Surely there’s a way that individuals want to be wooed and shouldn’t that be ok?
Woo: It’s old fashioned yes, but it’s a goody. Energetically woo points to seeking favour, affection, it opens up room for the romance of an invitation and cultivating something. With that kind of energy, unless you are not into the person, I’m guessing you’d be saying. ‘I’m in.’
So your mission should you choose to accept it is to make a decision.
Do I want a relationship that’s built on the exertion energy of pursuit or a relationship built on the cultivating energy of wooing?
Setting yourself up to attract the right love starts with how you show up. #RightLoveSetUp
Always love and blessings,
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